As I read the post below by See Mox Run about the Pity Party, I am reminded of the troubles I am facing this year. I don’t have a wife to nag me, I don’t even have a girlfriend. I am poor needing two paychecks to scrape by paying my bills. I haven’t been able to go grocery shopping in I don’t know how long. This year my Grandma passed away, she meant the world to me and I miss her dearly. My aunt passed away before that and she had always wanted to take me to Chicago so we could explore and take pictures together, a moment I will never ever be able to share with her now. At work, we often feel unappreciated as custodians and then being a part-time custodian, that puts us even farther below the chain. What once was a very happy, positive guy…slowing turns into a bitter, angry man. I’d love to be part of a bible study to try to stay in some kind of fellowship, but the work takes up so much time that I can’t find any bible studies during the time I have off. I want to read my bible more and grow in my faith, but I honestly just get too tired and don’t want to have to read and think about what the scriptures may be talking about. My faith is dwindling and my love for life is turning into a mask. Some people say when they find out about people like Robin Williams committing suicide that it’s a disease, and it’s not a choice. First of all, if it was a disease, then I’m in trouble because I suffer with depression. But also because of that, I can’t see it not being a choice. We have a choice to continue living, no matter how hard it may seem to do, and continue being there for others. If it wasn’t for me wanting to help people, I probably wouldn’t be here anymore, but my desire to change the world exceeds my own depressive feelings. Steph was right when she wrote about all that Jesus gave up for us and all that he did for us, he could’ve easily ruled this Earth and crushed anyone that stepped in his way, but he didn’t. He became a servant, sacrificing it all for us because his love for us outweighed all the riches in the world. Being a Christian, we are supposed to be “Christ-like” and yet we fall short every single day, choosing to live for ourselves instead of for others. Now, does that mean we should just be rugs and let people walk all over us? I don’t think so, I think we should stand up for ourselves and fight the fights that need to be fought. No matter what happens though, through all the storms and trials and all that…. God is with us, and that is something even though I’m struggling, I keep that in mind all the time. God’s got a reason for the trials, he’s making us stronger for what he has in store for us later on…. we don’t often look at the big picture, but if you did I think you’d be surprised how many times the trials and storms from the past have made our present time even better than we could have ever dreamed.
I got a second part-time job to help pay the bills, it’s tiring work and I can already see that it may kill me, but it’s a start. I got a raise at my custodian job, and so God is opening up the doors. Honestly, it’s not even the grocery shopping and being able to afford things that I’m most excited about, I want to get back on my feet so I can start to give again. I have kept my sponsored child through this all, so I’m excited I haven’t had to give that up because he does mean a lot to me.
When life has you down, don’t put on a frown, look up and remember to smile because God is always shining down on us. We were meant for more, don’t give up the big picture for the small prize. The big picture is so much better.
I am exhausted and so I leave you now. But know, I care about you. I don’t know you, I may never meet you, but I care about you. But Jesus cared about you first.